The Do's and Don't's of Dating as a Mutant
by JuliaDarkness
Summary: Donnie asks April out. Let's watch, shall we?
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note: Please imagine the following dating steps being read out loud by a narrator from a 1950's education video.**

 _Step 1: Be confident but courteous when asking a girl out._

"A-April?" Donnie looked down at his twiddling thumbs.

"Yes?" He darted a glance and saw April turn her head and smile at him, that dazzling, resplendent smile that belonged in a toothpaste commercial . . . ah no, wait, focus. They were alone in the lab for right now, but someone could barge in at any second. Plus there was already a very good chance at least one of his brothers was listening at the door. He had to act fast.

"I was . . . uh, wondering. . ." Donnie needlessly adjusted his mask and cleared his throat. "Would you, I mean we, like to, go. . . together I mean. . . Saturday seems doable-"

"Donnie, are you asking me out on at date?" April turned her whole body now, giving him her undivided and nerve-wracking attention.

"I, uh, think so, but I mean if you-"

"Okay."

"Wait, what?"

"Saturday sounds fine. Pick me up at 8." April glanced at her watch. She had lost track of time hanging out in Donnie's lab. Throwing her bag over her shoulder, she glanced back for a second to beam at Donnie again. "See you soon," she said, before heading for home. If she noticed Donnie's jaw hanging open, she pretended not to.

 _Step 2: Punctuality is key._

That Saturday, at exactly 7:59, Donnie landed on the O'Neil fire escape. After yet another breath mint and a prayer to whoever might be listening that this all didn't blow up in his face, he knocked on the window.

April immediately pulled up the window sash. "Right on time."

Donnie grinned. "Shall we?"

 _Step 3: After asking a girl out, plan the date out. Make sure it's something she's comfortable with._

"Two orders of pizza goza, please."

"Coming right up." Donnie and April sat down at the counter. Despite being a Saturday night, the place was empty. Murakami-san stood at the stove, throwing in various ingredients in a boiling pot.

 _Step 4: Keep the conversation on a first date light. Don't talk about religion or politics or plans for the future._

"Oh, I think it's ridiculous. 5 cents really isn't going to stop anyone from using plastic bags." April took a sip of her black tea.

"Well, they already implemented it in Ireland, and I heard they cut down on plastic bag production about 90%." Donnie was so focused on his point he didn't notice April lean towards him slightly.

"Huh. That is something to think about. I always wanted to go to Ireland and learn about my heritage. Maybe I'll study abroad in college or something."

"Do you have any ideas about where you want to apply? I mean it's early, but a lot of people say sophomore year is a good start."

"Well, I know I want to study journalism. . ."

 _Step 5: The boy should always pay._

"Oh, don't worry," Donnie said, holding his hand over April's wallet. "I got it covered. Murakami-san and I have an arrangement."

 _Cleaning a toilet in a small restaurant in New York City would cause a lesser man-or mutant- to probably vomit in said toilet. But Donnie grew up in a sewer and once more, a sewer with Mikey. He could handle it._

 _Plus at least the toilet didn't have lobsters. Evil little buggers._

" _I'm done Murakami-san."_

" _Thank you, Donatello. If you could just empty out the trash."_

" _On it."_

"Well, okay," April said. She stuck her wallet back in her pocket. "But next time it's on me. Deal?"

"Deal."

 _Step 6: Besides planning at date the girl will approve of, try to make it memorable._

"Okay, just a little further." Donnie pulled out a paperclip and began picking the lock.

"What if someone sees us?" April crossed her arms, shivering either from the AC or nerves.

"Don't worry, we'll be fine. And here we are." The door swung open. A large broom closet with boxes of cleaning supplies stood before them. The teens crept in, and Donnie flipped on the light.

"So, what exactly are we doing here in a janitor's closet in. . ." April's eyes widened. "No way."

"Yes way." Donnie went over to the back and removed a couple of boxes. Behind them was a small hole. April scrambled over and peeked out. She saw curtains rise and lights shining over a stage. In the pit, they played the opening notes of a song she knew so well. April practically bounced with excitment.

Donnie grinned at her obvious excitement. He sat down next to her, almost but not quite touching.

"Goood Neeews. She's deeead. The Witch of the Wets is dead!"

 _Step 7: Even if it all goes right, the boy is not entitled to any so called "canoodling."_

Donnie rubbed his head nervously. They were back at the fire escape, and neither person was quite sure what to say.

April looked at her window for a second. Her dad probably wouldn't mind if she invited him in per say, but it was almost curfew.

"So I guess I'll, uh, see-" Before Donnie could finish his thought, April grabbed his shoulders and put her lips to his. Despite years of sharpening his reflexes, Donnie froze. She stepped back before he could even close his eyes.

"Yeah, I guess you will." April shoved open her window and quickly climbed in. "Bye." She waved, and with that she was gone.

 _Step 8: If there is canoodling, the boy may pat himself on the back._

"And then she kissed me! For like, four seconds." Donnie usually used his notebook for scientific research, but this was important. Plus if he told his brothers they would probably say something in front of April that would make both of them cringe. After all, he would do the same in their shoes.

"This has been," he wrote, "the best-albeit only- date I ever had."

Donnie closed his notebook hugged it to his chest. Then he sighed.

Too bad he had to wait three days to call her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Warning: the following chapter contains snark, parody and things that probably are PG 13.**

 _If you're going to steal flowers for your girlfriend from a greenhouse, watch out for stoners._

"Woah, dude, check it out. A talking iguana."

"Dude."

"Duuude!"

Iguana? Donnie stood in front of five teenagers sitting in a circle and watched him like a TV show. One was hiding a bong behind her back. Why were they even out here anyway? Didn't one of them have a basement?

"So, um, hi. I'm a, uh, nature spirit. Yeah, nature spirit, sure. Just hanging out here, in this greenhouse." He waved his bo staff around. "And this is my magic staff."

"Oh, dude, this is sick!"

"No way, they do exist."

"Yo, the iguana's not a nature spirirt," one guy whispered not so quietly. "He's a guy in a cheesy costume."

 _Cheesy?_

"Yeah," the girl hiding the bong said. "Why would a nature spirit come out here?"

"Why would a nature spirit be surrounded by nature? You got me." Donnie pulled out a smoke bomb out of his belt. "Look, I'll prove it." Donnie threw the smoke bomb on the ground. Purple smoke billowed out into the room and cleared almost instantly. The teens gasped and pointed to the place where Donnie had stood.

"That enough for you guys?" They turned to see Donnie now standing behind them, a smug look on his face. They all scrambled to get up, although a couple fell right back down afterwards.

"What do you want from us," another girl asked.

Donnie grinned. If only he was in his LARP outfit. He raised his bo staff in the air and spoke in a deep voice. "You poor silly humans are polluting the Earth with your factories and SUVs and reality TV."

A boy in a Fall Out Boy shirt nodded. "We need cars that run on water, man."

"So I have chosen you five young people to go out and save the world."

"I think I saw this on a show once," the second girl said.

"Silence!" The kids shut up. "You will leave now and tomorrow when you wake up it will all be clear." He pointed to the door dramatically. "Now go!"

The teenagers gathered their sweatshirts and illegal paraphernalia. They made their way through the plants and carefully, still in a daze.

"And don't drive home! Take a cab!"

 _When you give your girlfriend flowers, make sure there's no bee inside the bouquet._

"It's okay April. Just don't move."

He really didn't need to tell her that. April was rooted to the ground. Her hand was gripping the stems, her eyes locked on the little insect of horror crawling over a bright yellow petal. Waiting to stab her with its evil venom. She tried controlling her breathing like Master Splinter taught her, but all that did was cause her to hyperventilate.

Donnie slowly, carefully took the flowers in his hand. "Now let go."

April unlocked her fingers one digit at a time. Donnie slowly stepped to the window. April unlatched the window and Donnie, with all his ninja might, threw the bouquet over the fire escape rail and shut the window tight.

Donnie sighed. Why did he have to screw up everything? "I'm so sorry, April. I didn't know-"

Donnie himself became rooted to the ground as April wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her head in his shoulder.

"You were so brave Donnie. I don't know what I'd do if you weren't there."

Donnie quickly hugged her back. He rested his chin on the top of her head.

"Well don't you worry. I'm here whenever you need me."

 _Finding Nemo is_ not _a hook up movie. I don't care what those guys said, it's not._

Like so many teenage guys before him, Donnie did the classic shrug-yawn-oh-my-arm's-caught-on-your-shoulder thing. April snuggled closer next to him. And so naturally Donnie leaned his head down and started kissing. She pulled back.

"Donnie, we're at the part where Marlin is talking to the sea turtles."

"But we've all seen this movie like a hundred times. It's Disney.

"Exactly," she said, as though it were obvious. "You can't make out during a Disney movie. It's a children's movie."

"So? It's not like we're making out in front of actual children."

"Oh my God Donnie-oh, shh shh! I love this part." She leaned closer to the TV. Donnie rolled his eyes.

He didn't even like this movie.

 _It's the thought that counts._

Donnie heard a knock at the door. He already told Mikey an hour ago that he would not watch My Little Pony with him no matter how many times he begged, but this was Mikey, so he opened the door cautiously.

April was trying to hide a plate wrapped in tinfoil behind her back. She blushed when she saw him looking at it. "Hey Donnie."

"Uh, come in." April quickly sat down and put the plate next to his computer.

"Um, so I was just hanging out with my aunt, and we were baking and stuff and well," she gestured to the plate. "There was extra. I mean it's not great, I used a box mix, but, yeah."

Donnie ripped off the tinfoil. On the plate were brownies, but instead of neat little squares, they were a pile of crumbs and small chunks.

"Yeah, I had trouble cutting them up."

Donnie set the plate down on his desk and ran out of the lab. April sighed. She knew this was a stupid idea. She should have just bought something.

"Here." Donnie was back, holding two spoons. "I think this will help." He gave one spoon to her and scooped up some crumbs.

"Well?"

He waited a few seconds after he swallowed, rubbing his chin as though he were thinking it over. Then Donnie grinned and kissed her on the check, making her blush even more.

"Delicious."

 _A lot of guys are willing to die for a girl. Not many are willing to carry around tampons._

Donnie felt a light tap on his shoulder. They were on a midnight run/training exercise, and his brothers were already a few rooftops ahead.

"Donnie," she whispered, even though they were alone.

"Yeah?"

"It's that time. Of the month. And I forgot again."

"Oh, yeah." Donnie pulled out a small plastic bag from his belt. His brothers asked what they were and he said tissues. Luckily no one sneezed on patrol so far.

"There's a Starbucks a block behind us. Do you want me to come and wait nearby?"

"No, I'll be fine."

"Okay then, I'll just wait here."

She gave him a quick kiss. "Thanks." She started running, and despite the situation, neither one was blushing that much.

After a while, even dating becomes normal.

 **If you guys want to check out my TMNTxRWBY crossover, that'd be awesome. Either way, have a good day and remember to recycle. :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's note: For the record, the last part of the last chapter is based on people I know. I thought it was sweet.**

 _Even when you're dating, you don't have to do things you're not comfortable with._

"But we've been going out for a while. We've even lived together because of the Kraang thing. I don't see what the big deal is. I mean I don't even really get why you have to wear one."

"I just do. Please, I'll take it off eventually, but I, well. . ."

"Oh, no, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pressure you or anything."

"Thanks."

"We'll take it slow." April kissed his cheek. "Take off your mask when you're ready."

 _If a girl wants an honest opinion about her outfit, she'll ask her friends._

"Well? What do you think?"

What did he think? His girlfriend looked like a slutty Sleeping Beauty, that's what he thought. Her dress was a weird shade of pink that looked terrible with her red hair. Long, droppy sleeves that could be pinned to a wall with a throwing star oh so easily was coupled with a neckline that was more of a chest line and made him want to lock himself in the bathroom for a good ten minutes. And April was without a doubt going to trip in those heels, and then he would have to carry her all the way back home and bandage her up and not even think about saying "I told you so," because he was supposed to be supportive or whatever.

What did he think? What was wrong with what she always wore, that's what he thought.

"You look great," he said.

April giggled. "I feel like a princess." She tried to curtsey, only to tumble in her stilettos. Donnie caught her in his arms without even thinking about it.

"And you're my knight." Her hair, not in a ponytail for once, spilled across his arms like red silk. She wasn't wearing any makeup, but her cheeks had a natural pink blush. Everything about her screamed the words I'm happy, I love you.

What did he think? She was always beautiful, that's what he thought.

 _Girls have to compete with cars. Fact of life._

"So then Mr. Mackenburg gave us all a pop quiz just because Jessica didn't know how many Supreme Court justices there are. Can you believe that?"

"Uh huh." Donnie was under the Shellraiser, doing something with a wrench. April was pacing the floor of the lab in a huff.

"I mean, do you think we all deserve to suffer just because one person is didn't do the reading?"

"Uh huh."

April glared at him, but he couldn't see it of course, being under the car and all. "And then the head cheerleader and I went behind the bleachers and made out."

"Uh huh."

She put her hands on her hips. "Naked."

"Uh huh."

"Only it turned out she was an alien mutant cyborg vampire that wanted to sell my organs on the Canadian black market."

"Uh huh."

"Hey Donnie," Raph called. "Pizza's here."

"Coming." Wow, he thought, dinner already? Time flies when you're fixing the fuel transmission.

Donnie slid out from under the car and headed to the door, only to notice April glaring at him. "What?"

"Nothing."

"Are you mad? Did I do something?"

"No." She gave him a look that could freeze Hell. "You did nothing."

"Uh, okay." April stomped to the turnstiles in a huff. "See you tomorrow?"

She didn't answer.

Donnie sighed. Why couldn't she just say what was wrong like a normal person? What was he, a mind reader?

 _Nice guys don't finish last._

Donnie dug out the tetanus shots Dr. Rockwell managed to get for them. They were quality, lab sterilized needles. Just like normal people get at the doctors. But he doubted Leo cared right now.

His brother was huddling on the metal table, the cut in his foot from the rusty nail already taken care of. He was taking deep, meditative breathes and hugging himself as though he could protect his arms from the needles. Leo was scared of needles, really scared, but he didn't want to show it because he was the oldest.

Donnie gently wiped his arm with a disinfectant swab. Leo squeezed his eyes shut. Neither boy noticed April in the doorway, watching silently.

"Do you want me to get Master Splinter to come in-"

"I don't need anyone to hold my hand, Donnie," he snapped. He opened his eyes and sat up straight, trying to look fearless.

"If me or Raph or Mikey or Karai was the one getting the shot, you'd be sitting here comforting us, telling us it's okay to be afraid." Leo didn't respond. Donnie held up the shot, and his brother squeezed his eyes shut again.

"Okay, I'm going to need to relax your arm." Easier said than done. April saw Donnie put down the needle and rifle through his desk drawer. Because of the angle she couldn't see what he got out and put in his brother's hand.

"A stress ball?" Leo looked down at the squishy foam globe in his hand.

"Yeah. Hold it in one hand and squeeze it as hard as you can. But relax the other one, okay?"

"Okay." Donnie got out the needle again. Leo gripped the stress ball so tightly April thought he was going to break it. She looked away when Donnie stuck the needle in.

"You're doing great." Leo groaned.

"There, all done." Donnie went about cleaning the blood, putting things away, etc. Leo didn't say anything. April knew him long enough to know that he looked kind of embarrassed.

And so did Donnie. "Oh no, there's a cricket!" He theatrically ducked behind the table. "Right there, in the sink!"

"Relax Donnie, crickets can't hurt you." Leo calmly got a wet paper towel. He didn't see his brother grinning as he squished the bug. "There, you're safe."

"Thanks Leo, I don't know what I'd do without you bro."

"That's what brothers are for."

Later that evening, April kissed and kissed and kissed Donnie almost for a full minute. "You are the sweetest boy alive," was all she said.

 _Catholic school uniform._

Carefully, carefully he mixed the contents of the beaker. Sulfuric acid was highly combustible.

"Hey Donnie." He looked up for a second and saw April, his April, wearing a pleated plaid skirt and a fitted white blouse and blue jacket.

"Can you believe my school is adopting uniforms? I mean I can't even run in these." She stuck out her leg, showing off her pure white knee socks.

He would have said something, something awesome and suave to be sure, but the just then the beaker exploded.

 **Since Renet is supposed to be in the next episode, I might make the next chapter about her and Mikey, although I have to say it is annoying that the only female characters on this show serve as love interests. I hope that she is a developed and dynamic character in her own right at least. But I'll be satisfied if she just doesn't end up mutated.**


	4. Chapter 4

**AKA: The Do's and Don't's of Dating a Time Traveler.**

 _It is the 21_ _st_ _. . .er, 25_ _th_ _. . . oh whatever, it is high time for girls to be able to ask out boys._

"Hey Mikey."

Mikey shrieked and nearly dropped his slice of pizza. He was hanging out on one of his favorite rooftops, avoiding Raph after the paint prank thing. And suddenly he felt a tap on the shoulder and there was Renet. His ninja senses needed some serious tuning.

"What's sup Renet?" If he wasn't busy avoiding eye contact so as not to stare awkwardly like Donnie, he probably would have picked up on how Renet was fiddling with her headdress. Even though it was perfectly secure.

"I was just in the decade, and thought I might pop in and ask you if, um, you wanted to go on that date you mentioned."

Mikey looked up, all thoughts of not looking weird forgotten. "Like a date date? With holding hands and kissing and rowboats?"

Renet giggled. "Uh, I guess. I've never been on a date before. I don't really know how it works."

"Me neither. But if we both don't know the rules, we mess them up, right?" He hoped that made as much sense to her as it did to him.

"Okay. So how about we meet Friday at 8, right here?"

"Okay. Wait, are you going to just jump ahead three days and go to our date straight from here?"

She giggled. "Of course not. I need like a week to prepare. You only go on your first date twice."

 _No Doctor Who references._

Mikey had always wanted to go on a ferris wheel so Renet picked out the biggest and best one she could think of: the London Eye. They teleported straight to the top car after hours and watched as the whole city moved up and down around them. At one point Mikey nudged Renet and pointed to a phone booth.

"Hey look." He grinned.

Renet smiled. "You don't see many of those in this time period. I always thought they were cute."

"No, I mean it's like, you're a time traveler and. . ." Mikey's smile faded as he watched Renet scrunch up her face in confusion. "You know, it's like Doctor Who."

"What?"

"No, who."

"Who's what?"

"A doctor."

Renet frowned. "I'm sorry, who's a doctor?"

"And a time traveler." He thought she of all people would like this show. Didn't people in the future have Netflix?

"Who?"

"The doctor."

She groaned. "Doctor _who?"_

"Yeah, you got it!"

She threw up her hands. "No I don't!"

 _You don't need to spend a lot of money on a fancy restaurant._

Mikey thought that 19th century sewers smelled even worse than 21st century ones. Plus there was nowhere to skateboard.

He was about to go wait in an alley, even if it meant risking detection, when Renet dropped down from an opening in front of him. She held out a silver platter covered in a white cloth.

"I give you, the first ever made modern day pizza." With a flourish she pulled off the cloth and suddenly all Mikey could smell was smoky, cheesy goodness. The margarita pizza was like the Italian flag in awesome form.

"Bon appetite."

 _Be yourself._

Mikey leaned back against the stone wall. They had taken the pizza to some private forest somewhere and ate their pizza while admiring the sick Roman ruins. On their next date Renet said she would take him to see the Sistine Chapel. When it was being painted.

"So then Clarence was like 'you can't go screwing around in Roanoke, it's so pivotal.' And I was like, 'oh please, no one even-"

"Uurp." Not bad. Mikey almost said booyakasha before he remembered he was on a date. He knew April and Karai thought burping was gross. Probably Renet did too. What if he grossed her out and she never asked him out again?

"Sorry, I mean excuse-"

"Uuuurrp!"

Mikey was pretty sure he was in love.

 _Despite what TV says, not everything needs to be about sex._

Deep in the Japanese countryside there was a remote, long abandoned monastery that lay undisturbed for years. As the sun rose over the horizon, casting long shadows over the land, one could just make out two figures on the roof. It was too dark to see them from the road, but if you got close enough you could see the shorter person lean his head on the taller one's shoulder. The taller figure wrapped her arm around her companion, and together they watched the sun rise in total silence.

When the world had awakened and the birds begun to sing, you could just make out that the shorter one had taken out some book of some kind. He faced the other person and began scribbling on a page. The sun was directly behind the people, so it was hard to see what was going on. But if you waited, eventually you would see the first person rip out the page and hand it to the second person. She would kiss his cheek. Then, with a blinding, brilliant flash, the two strangers would disappear. And the monastery would be undisturbed once more.

 _Be mindful of curfews._

"I'm back."

Donnie glanced up from the TV and saw his little brother practically skip into the lair.

"How was it?"

"Our kids will be named Margarita and Roanoke."

"Okay."

Donnie happened to glance at his phone while Mikey headed into the kitchen. "Hey, Mikey?"

"Yeah?"

"According to my clock, your date only lasted 10 minutes."

"I wanted her to bring me back early so you guys wouldn't worry." He poured himself a glass of water. "We would have been back earlier, but Renet wanted to watch the sunrise."

Mikey went to his room. Donnie glanced at his phone again.

Sometimes it was better not to ask.

 **Aww. I wish my dates took me to Italy. But I'll settle for Chipotle.**


End file.
